chicken boo

so far, i've told two people about my new year's resolution. yes, that's right. resolution, singular. those that know me know how much i love a good list. lists impose order on my self-made chaos. i'm the one in my little band of friendly mischief makers that is forever asking, "but do we have a plan?!" i like point-form lists. numbered lists put me over the moon. when i found out that one can colour code different calendars in iCal, i squealed with delight. type a? nah.

thus it seems strange (perhaps only to myself) that i have only one resolution. traditionally, i have a listfull that i coddle for the first part of the new year and eventually end up throwing away in disgust. it frustrates me and discourages me that i never am able to cross everything off. this year, i've decided to take a different tack.

here it is. my only new year's resolution: i'm not going to let fear be the biggest influence in decisions i make.

sounds pretty cheesy, non? formulating it, though, was actually quite revelatory. until recently, i hadn't been aware how often i let fear (of circumstances, consequences, myself, others) dictate the choices i make. keeping a little island of "me" squared away safe somewhere off the official map is a defense mechanism that i think does more harm than good. it certainly makes for a life that has the potential to be filled with "what ifs" -- something i've always told myself i'd never live. please don't worry that i'm going to go out and do something foolish (like the PhD candidate i read about recently that went over niagara falls in something called a plunge-o-sphere! he survived). as i explained to the princess the other night, it isn't about being fearless. that would be stupid. sometimes it's good to be afraid and to let that fear keep you from doing something ridiculous. i think, and i've been mulling it over quite a bit lately, it's more about acknowledging i'm scared, letting myself be scared, but not letting that fear be the only reason i do (or don't do) something.

how will i make out? it's difficult to tell. parring down my list of resolutions in and of itself engendered a certain, uhm, chickenshited-ness in yours truly. i'm taking the fact that i was able to reduce it all to one resolution and leave behind my security blanket embroidered with bullet points as a promising sign.