rush hour on the henley

we're finalizing our travel plans to attend this regatta:



and i'm getting nervous.

racing here, there's more at stake than just a gold medal (though the medals are reputed to be lovely. the phrase "henley gold" is magical) -- more than, perhaps, i'm even willing to admit to myself. you see, this race happens to be the biggest, and most prestigious club regatta in north america; to make things more complex, it's in my hometown. when i moved away, i was a much different person than i am now. though i've been home countless times to visit friends and family, this is the first time i'll return there in the guise of a rower; the first time this different self (and different body!) i've crafted for myself will be tested out in this way. the henley course means a lot to me -- it means those years of yearning, when i was wondering what my place in the world was; it means the desire for the confidence and determination that for so many years i lacked; it means confronting socio-economic differences that can sometimes be a hinderance and sometimes a crutch; it means many more things that i can't quite articulate, that seem to slip just beyond language and that exist as a sort of raw grey feeling of desire situated just behind my tongue.

yes, i'm getting nervous.